is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
