Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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