just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
