There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
