I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
