the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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