he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
