Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
