I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
