Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
