you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
