He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
