his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
