:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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