i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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