he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
its liver damage thursday
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