Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
