please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
