You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
