Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
