highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
