Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
