apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
