So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
