Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
