Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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