She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
