Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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