Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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