I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You made out with two different species that night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
