If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
