pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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