Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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