Don't make out with my wife yet
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
