i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
