I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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