I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
