im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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