any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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