If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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