If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
