So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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