You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
