Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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