Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
