??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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