Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
