2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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