If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
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.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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