How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.