so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
honey bunches of taint.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED