nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
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Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice