I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
