Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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