I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
