I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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